Surprise! I don’t like surprises.

The surprise trip to Disneyworld has been planned for weeks.  FastPasses have been bought, room reservations made, bags packed in secret. When the surprise is revealed to your anxious child, he/she complains, gets angry, or seems ungrateful!  The reaction is definitely not what you expected, and everybody is disappointed.  Similar reactions occur with smaller surprises:  birthdays, alterations in weekend or evening plans, changes in afterschool events. Parents think their attempts at warm, loving surprises would be welcome—but they are not—to their anxious child.

Children who are trying to manage their anxiety rely on their normal routine to give them a sense of calm and control.  When that is interrupted with a surprise or change in plans—even when it is positive—a child can react with fear, worry and avoidance.  With children and adolescents who are in the beginning stages of learning how to actively regulate their anxiety, I typically recommend that surprises be minimized until they have demonstrated some skill in being less reactive.  Eventually, the unexpected will not be experienced as stressful and your child will be able to enjoy the true delight of a spontaneous surprise!

References:

• Chansky, T.E. (2014).  Freeing your child from anxiety:  Practical Strategies to overcome fears, worries, and phobias and be prepared for life—from toddlers to teens.  Harmony Books Publishing.